It’s been four months since we moved Anna into her group home. It’s been a rather frustrating process for us. To begin, Anna cannot tell us if she likes the home or not. The best we can do is observe when we pull in the driveway of her group home, she seems fine, and she gets out without a problem. Unfortunately, once we enter the home and she sits at the kitchen table, she cries every time we say goodbye, while waving to us. It’s maddening. Does her wave ‘goodbye’ mean that she knows she has to stay there and is kind of okay with it or does it mean she’s upset to have to stay there? She cries at home too but there’s typically a reason for it. At her group home, we have little to go on.
There have been changes in staff without us being notified. A new staff person didn’t change her Depends from the night before when we came to pick Anna up at noon the next day. Really? And I had called two hours earlier to let them know we’d be coming. Granted, she was new, but even if you’re new, there are some basics in caring for another person. Don’t get them ready to meet their family by putting their shoes on, etc. and NOT change them from the previous night’s pee. I found myself saying, “You don’t have to be fluent in English to know how to care for someone.”
Also, Anna had been sitting at the exact same spot when I called her two hours earlier. We have Google Nest so we can talk to Anna via video at any time. It works really well except that then we know where she was sitting and when. She had no fidget toys near her, and she has lots of them there. No paper to rip, which she loves to do. We felt horrible that she simply sat for two hours.
Also, her roommates don’t exactly serve as friends. They are good people, but one is nonverbal and really doesn’t give any response when you talk to her. She will look at me but with no expression. The other roommate is always sweet and will say lovely things like, “How are you doing today?” but she never says, “Hi, Anna.” Does she know that Anna is her roommate? I think so but, as one friend said, others aren’t modeling how to greet Anna. So, I think Anna gets lonely.
We’re exploring a new group home with the same agency that provides her Day Hab program. They say it’s a two-month wait. I’m hoping there might be one roommate who knows her and can be a friend to her when she’s at the group home. We’ll see. The not-knowing is exhausting. I can spend a day worrying about Anna only to pick her up and have her yell at me for some reason. I’m still working at trying to separate from her as a mom. Even though she’s 23 years old, I find it nearly impossible.